"i'm not trying to be funny with you," or, the saga of the VCU id badge name change

i believe that the process of getting your name changed on your vcu id card is equivalent to becoming a member of the witness protection program and acquiring an entirely new identity. at least, that's what it feels like. let me map out this process for you.

1. get married sept. 30. spend most of october catching up, worry about getting social security card and driver's license changed to new name.
2. early november, decide to go ahead and get name changed at vcu. call hr rep.
3. hr rep sends me email, copies hr generalist, tells me to send copy of new drivers license.
4. hr generalist sends scathing response to me, copying hr rep, telling me i must fill out personal data form and send copy of social security card and marriage license.
5. i respond saying, i had to have marriage license to get social security card, are you sure i need that too?
6. determine that form + copy of new ss card will do. i send those in.
7. by the beginning of december, my paychecks and such reflect new name.
8. mid-december, decide i should get vcu purchasing credit card updated wtih new name. email holder of credit cards in purchasing and tell her this needs to be done.
9. she emails me back that she has cancelled the card i am holding. which sucks since i'm in the middle of interview season and holiday party season and am forced to use personal credit card and be reimbursed for about $1200 in expenses. (luckily, i accrue valuable world points with these purchases, so this isn't so terrible).
10. in the meantime, vcu card office moves to my building and thus i decide it's time to get my vcu id card updated with new name as well.

here's where it gets REAL fun. this takes place over a couple of weeks because i do need a break in between all the frustration, plus time for voice mails to be responded to.

11. go to vcu card office. they tell me my name has not been updated in their system. i say, "but when i look in the system, it's changed." they say, "no it's not."
12. go back to office. call hr generalist. she tells me it's an IT issue.
13. call IT. they tell me it's an HR operations issue.
14. call HR operations. they tell me they've taken care of it.
15. go back to vcu card office. they tell me my name has not been updated in their system. i say, "but HR told me they fixed it." they say, "no, they didn't."
16. get HR operations lady on the phone, who tells me the vcu card people don't know what they're talking about. i say, will you be there for 5 minutes, can i go to the card office and have that lady call you and you guys can figure this out. she says she will be there.
17. go downstairs to card office. lady at counter is on the phone yapping. she yaps for 5 min, finally gets off phone. i spend another 5 min explaining that the HR operations lady says it's fixed and can she call her so they can sort it out. she calls HR operations lady. HR operations lady has left the building. super.
18. vcu card lady says there is nothing she can do for me, try again with HR and then come back when they fix it.
19. out of desperation, i search vcu website until i locate name of executive director of human resources for entire university. i email her explaining the problem and begging her for help.
20. going straight to the top pays off! ED of HR tells me that the problem is that because i take classes and have a hospital email account (which is separate from the university, but i need it to access my boss' calendar), i need to also update my information with the registrar and the hospital HR, because those records are overriding the vcu HR name change in the vcu card office system (say wha?!). gives me phone numbers for these people.
21. call registrar's office, am guided to form online. print, fill out, take downstairs with my driver's license and am told name change from student side will take about a week. cool.
22. call hospital HR. ask for form. am told someone will call me back.
23. someone calls me back. says i need to take ID with proof of name change to hospital HR express near cafeteria and there i can fill out the form and they'll make a copy of my id. cool.
24. take driver's license to hospital HR express. stand in line for a few minutes before finding myself face to face with a man who looks like he is a retired marines officer.

25. mr. marine asks me to explain what i want. i do. we have this exchange:

mr. marine: you must have your social security card. i'm not trying to be funny with you.
me: but they told me on the phone to bring my id.
mr. marine: well, i don't make the rules, and i'm not trying to be funny with you. but you have to have your social security card.
me: but i had to have a new social security card to get a new driver's license.
mr. marine: i'm telling you, i'm not trying to be funny with you, but that is the rule. and then you fill out this form and bring it here and that will get it changed in our system.
me: well can i just fax this form and and a copy of my social security card?
mr. marine: well, that will be fine, here's the form. i'm not trying to be funny with you, this is just what they require us to do.

so i walked back to my office, form in hand, and thankfully i still have a copy of my social security card here from the FIRST name change i did, because i don't make a practice of carrying that around. as i was walking back i found myself laughing out loud and trying to control it because i didn't want people to think i had escaped from the psych floor. this has just become the most asinine sequence of steps and if you could have just heard him saying that over and over again, "i'm not trying to be funny with you." no joke, dude. you're trying to be a PAIN IN MY ASS!

now i'll send in that form and see what happens. the really fun and exciting part is that all of this is just to get my ID changed. next i get to deal with various IT people to try to get my email address changed. that is, if i don't lose my mind first.

and i am not trying to be funny with you.