Stationary Bicycle

Lately, I feel like my wheels are spinning but I'm not getting anywhere.

Part of the problem is that I haven't really focused on a destination. Or that I have so many destinations I'm headed for that I never seem to make any real headway towards any of them.

I want to be a good wife and partner for my husband (and I want him to be a good husband and partner for me--this ain't just my job! :) ). But in that goal, there are numerous destinations: quality time together, quality time apart, keeping the house clean, keeping food in our mouths (because I like to cook), planning for the future, organizing the present. We are super good at quality time together, which I have zero complaints about. The result of that, though, is that I often neglect housekeeping or grocery shopping or any of the other destinations I'm headed for. And then I get frustrated because the house is a mess, and then I get crabby, and then I am definitely just spinning tires in the pursuit of being a good partner.

I want to be a good daughter, friend, granddaughter, sister, etc. With that goal, there are so many people that I want to spend time with, and I find myself putting off spending time with each of them until I really have a nice, good, big chunk of time to spend with them, because I love them all so much that I want to be around them for a long time when I DO see them... but then I find that too many days pass without those big blocks of time presenting themselves, and I feel like I'm neglecting the most important relationships in my life. And then I get frustrated because I haven't seen or talked to most of the people I love in way too long, and then I can't decide who to see FIRST since I need to see EVERYONE.

I want to nurture myself and be the best ME I can be. I want to travel. I want to take classes. I want to exercise. I want to read. I want to watch TV. I want to take naps. I want to write. I want to browse the internet. I want to get organized. I want to print out all of my pictures and make albums. I want to join a book club. I want to cook more. I want to decorate my house. I want to make a budget. I want to figure out how to invest wisely and lucratively. I want to paint. I want to learn how to paint. I want to be a teacher. I want to be better at my job. I want to mentor a kid that needs it. I want to learn more about what's going on in the world. I want to grow a garden. I want to go to the beach.

I want to do it all, I think.

And really, when it comes down to it, I want to figure out not how to narrow that list down, but how to do all of those things. I've never considered myself an overachiever, but, looking at that list, I sort of feel like one. Maybe now that I have that list, though, I can get this bicycle off its stand and actually pedal it down the road...


nikole said...

Words from my own heart. :-) I too really struggle with balance. It's even harder now that Thea is here. We find it hard to make and stick to a budget, to plan meals in advance, to find quality time with friends, to exercise, etc... I'm trying to figure out what feels the most important to me right now and to focus on that. I'm learning that having a clean/neat house isn't as important to me as it used to be. It's all a process. I'd love to hear more about how you work this out for yourself. xoxo

j bird said...

love you honey. i am back in town - will call you soon!